Deception is not a "woman's problem," or even a uniquely human phenomenon: From viruses to large mammals, deception is continuously at play. We are all affected by lying and faking, by silence and pretending, by self-deception, and by brave-as well as misguided-efforts to tell the truth. Dr. Lerner shows us that women's failure to live authentically and speak truly deserves our closest attention. She illustrates how pretending is so closely linked with femininity that it is, quite simply, what the culture teaches us to do.

Truth telling is the central challenge in women's lives, the foundation of intimacy, self-regard, and joy. At the center of a woman's life is the quest to discover, speak and live her own truth, to cease living a life dictated and defined by others. Yet in the name of "truth" or "being ourselves," we may hurt others by disregarding their different realities and move situations from / bad to worse.
How can we approach the process of truth telling, of knowing and being known, of refining and deepening our disclosures to one another? Like peace making, truth- telling does not just "happen." Sometimes it must be worked toward and planned.

Drawing on more than two decades of clinical experience, Dr. Lerner articulates her rich philosophy and thoughtful guidelines about speaking out and holding back. She shows us how honesty can sometimes impede truth telling and how pretending can be a bold move toward the truth, rather than a misdirected flight from it. She examines how patriarchy shapes what truths a woman can uncover, share, and invent about herself. And she teaches us how to widen the path to truth telling for everyone.

From sexual faking to family secrets, readers will be rewarded with important insights into how we engage in deception and approach truth-telling-a subject that is at the heart of who we are in the world and what kind of world this is.

Praise

"The best of the author's 'dance' trilogy. . . A remarkable, beautifully written book, illuminating ways for women to find integrity, courage, and voice in a world that rewards female silence and pretense."
      - Carol Tavris, Ph.D.
         Author of The Mismeasure of Woman

Reviews

From Kirkus Reviews
The author of The Dance of Anger (1989) and The Dance of Intimacy (1990) completes her trilogy. But this new volume-- unlike the first two--isn't a self-helper but, rather, a freewheeling, feminist contemplation of truth telling and deception, privacy and secrecy, and honesty and pretense in women's lives. Lerner (a staff psychologist at the Menninger Clinic) focuses on how these qualities function in relationships, and also in a woman's relationship to herself. She postulates that our culture is a patriarchy in which women are deterred from expressing thoughts or feelings that might disrupt the harmony of relationships. Consequently, privacy becomes necessary (speaking out exposes women to emotional and physical harm) as well as dangerous (privacy isolates women, keeping them trapped in false myths about female experience). Lerner views truth-telling as a process that requires women to be in the kind of conversation with other women that allows each woman to be herself and to explore that self: Only then can women identify what unites them and construct "more complex, encompassing, richer, and accurate'' truths about themselves. Honesty, Lerner says, isn't always the best policy, for unconsidered honesty can create an atmosphere of anxiety in which real truth telling cannot occur. She believes that pretending can be both destructive and constructive, for living a lie blocks one from self-knowledge, yet pretending to possess certain qualities can lead to actual possession of them. These moral ambiguities are explored in case studies and through personal anecdotes that reveal the impact of secrecy on family relationships and the many ways in which women deceive themselves and others...